Fruit Stand Rejects

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In this episode, we discuss the new iPhone 3G.

 

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I love mexican food. Actually, he loves Mexican food so much he had to have his gall bladder removed because it was poisoned by his bad diet.  You’d think that’d slow him down but he still rolls up to a nice plate of enchiladas every day.

 I am horrible at parallel parking. Yes you are.

I’m not real fond of parking altogether. Sometimes I use sidewalks. They’re closer anyway. I’m sure this will come up again before this awful list ends, but you must think you are the most awesome person in the entire world.  I don’t think people who are actually important begin to challenge your ego.  Sidewalks? Really.  No wonder you got a flat tire.

My favorite author is Michael Crichton. And what exactly has he written?

My cooking skills are limited to canned foods and boxed products (Mac & Cheese, cereal and such). What a great diet.

I do not like sushi. WE KNOW.

 I am left handed. Sweet, you’re special now.

I cannot swim. Any chance we could get you in a pool with no exits during a lightning storm?

I always thought Blu-ray was going to be the winner. Or hoped at least.  More like, “I was at Wal-Mart and I needed to buy something to pretend I had money so I picked a movie on clearance that just happened to be Blu-ray.  Oh and now that I have invested in Blu-ray they will be the clear winner.” 

There’s a mathematical formula to how I fold towels. Correction: “There is a mathematical formula to how I instruct others to fold my towels.”

I have worked for Apple. Let’s go ahead and hear that story.  “I have worked for Apple and I cheated my way up the system and pretended to be more important than I really was and then I stole lots of things that didn’t belong to me and I was fired.”  Yep, you worked for Apple alright.

I have been a school teacher. I’ll save this one for a later date when I can address you in person.

I’m a bit OCD at times. A bit, but it doesn’t make you cool.

I really enjoy writing with Sharpies, but only if they have perfect tips. And only if you can steal them from Apple.

I hate White Out and correction tape. I’m sure you never need it.

I hate paper. I prefer digital copies of everything. Go green people. What was that tweet about putting your trash in the recycling bag?  Yeah, okay.  

I recycle. Only because the place where you live recycles.  If it required any effort from you, that’d be the end of that.

 I have custom license plates on my car.  You know what they say? RAWR.  Wow, your Mazda 3 that has a cheap ass 4-cylinder Ford Focus engine in it has license plates that say RAWR.

I trust everyone to begin with, but when you’ve lost that trust, it’s over. Oh no.

Steve Jobs is my hero. So why did you steal stuff from his company?

Battlestar Galactica is an amazing show. So is Doctor Who.So is Star Trek. So is Stargate SG-1. Stargate Atlantis is okay, but the stories are horribly written. This doesn’t make anyone like you.

I can’t stomach the taste of most alcohol (especially beer and wine). Were you expecting good person points for this?

My favorite color is lime green. The same color as your enchilada-ridden shit.

I’m a brand whore. My computers are Macs, my sunglasses are Oakleys and my watches are Fossil. It’s just a habit. I am so impressed.  Too bad you have no money.

Any appearances of an inflated ego are purely intentional and are for comic relief. Comic relief from what?  I am no need of relieving.  So basically- you have an intentional ego.  Suh-weet.

I enjoy British comedy. The Vicar of Dibley is an amazing series. Yeah, okay. 

I hold a bachelors and masters degree. Is that a combo degree? I thought they were two degrees.  I also thought most people took the classes they were told to take not the ones they felt like taking.  Your degree(s), just like you, is a farce.

I love chocolate in all forms. As evidenced by the $6 worth of chocolate bars you purchased and ate recently.  Moderation is a stranger to you.

I hate nuts. Especially in chocolate. Is it the cool thing to hate this week?

I use Method-branded products for cleaning my house. They have cute instructions on the back. You don’t clean jack shit.

Dilbert is a funny television show and I really identify with the humor of Scot Adams, the creator.  I enjoy Family Guy when I have a chance to watch it. You have plenty of chances to watch it.  Try getting a job.

I enjoy dogs more than cats but it will take a while before I own one. Pets are not there for entertainment, they’re a responsibility.  You had a dog and returned it.  Who does that? Poor dog.

I’m an obsessive list maker. See note on OCD.

I enjoy black & white photos. Of yourself?

Skee-ball is my favorite arcade game. Sweet.

I have a horrible memory (which works out well because it makes me a bad liar). Interestingly enough, you are a bad liar.  But not because you have a bad memory- because you lie about every aspect of your life.  Like how you are a “graphic designer.”  Who exactly do you work for?  Yourself? That doesn’t involve much work since you feel like you are above everyone’s work.  No one even wants to help you out.  All the Apple stores threw out your business cards.  How about this list?  It’s just one giant lie.  Better take a copy of it with you everywhere so you can remember what you said.  No one is fooled.

I love trivia games. Only when the subject is you.

I never cry during movies… except the end of Meet the Parents and Titanic. Okay.

 My hair has been a spiky tousled mess for quite some time now and I have no intentions of changing it. Is that supposed to be hot?

I do not wear khaki slacks. Never. You will always find me relaxed in jeans. Some days dressier than others. Only because khaki slacks make your dick hang to the side.

I don’t have any tattoos or piercings (not even my ears). Do you use that to one-up people?

I love typography. No, you love Myriad. Coincidentally, so does Apple.

I enjoy Jamba Juice and their Strawberries Wild. How about those bananas?

I am fascinated by biology and genetics. Especially your own.  We’d all like to know what went wrong.

 I talk to myself a lot. Sometimes with a British accent but occasionally others as well. Do you also speak to yourself in French?  How’s that working out for you?

I am never bored. In fact, if I were to retire today, I would have plenty to keep me busy until I was 200 years old. I’m not sure how much I could accomplish at that age.  Well, you’d probably have sent pictures of your dick to every guy in the United States.

I love to travel but I prefer to live in suburban environments. You like to travel on the dime of someone else and come home two days later.

I love parenthesis but I’m more fond of semicolons and ellipsis. I’m sure they love you too.  Oh look you’re not alone in the world now.

I believe the interrobang is a real punctuation mark. I knew this would come up somewhere.  So basically, you pick a word like “metasphere” or “aggregate” that you think no one uses, and you make sure to implement into your everyday “life.”  Way to be.\

I read Digg.com regularly. So do a million other people.  But I guess you’re their bright and shining star.

I love the sound of a soft rain outside. Do you think that will make someone want to date you?

I hate shopping (especially for clothes). Clearly.  So what WAS that thing you were wearing on the last episode of System Update.  And by last, I mean final.

I have an older brother. I have an older sister. Correction: I have an older brother and sister who could be my parents.  I was an accident.  Too bad they couldn’t use white out on it.

Sometimes I pretend I’m James Bond. Do you?

I have a bad habit of having to own every Apple product when it comes out. Correction: when a new Apple product comes out, you sabotage your old one so that Apple will replace it.  

I was born in 1985. You must be running out of things to say.  I’m not.

I almost got to keep my wisdom teeth. A rare type of jaw that had enough room for them to grow in. Too bad everything for you is almost.  You almost had friends.  You almost didn’t steal from Apple.  You almost had a relationship.  You almost didn’t cheat.  You almost got to keep your wisdom teeth.  My, my are you special.

My first major was Computer Engineering. I hate programming. Programming isn’t as showy as “I can design my own MySpace.”

I love making new friends. Unless they are backstabbers. Whoops.

My favorite film is Love Actually. I’ll leave this one alone.  Even fat, nasty liars can have preferences.

I’ve never broken any of my bones. It would be hard to break a bone when you don’t do anything.

I can type with my eyes shut. Anyone can do that.  Why don’t you make a Helen Keller joke?

At up to 140 words per minute. I’d like to see that.

I am a designer at heart. You design things for yourself and no one else.  This means you are a poor, egotisticaly designer at heart.

I never got onto the Guitar Hero rush. Or Halo. So you skipped out on two.  Got it.

I hate seafood. The sight, the smell, the experience. We have not forgotten.

I love Scrabble. It’s a shame you don’t have any friends to play it with.

 I get confused all the time. That’s easy to do when you do nothing but sleep.  Oh, that’s right- there’s a purpose to it.  Right?

I hate coffee. It must have a hint of nutrition.

I love a passion tea lemonade from Starbucks. Again- even nasty people can have likes and dislikes.

 I admire advertising and collect propaganda left and right. Correction: you save your macaroni and cheese boxes.  And probably some of the visuals you stole from Apple.

I dream of writing my own book some day. Depending on whether or not you tell the truth, that would be some memoir.

When I’m stressed, I like to go to The Container Store. Do they help you put your porn into organized tubs?

I am a procrastinator at heart. How’s System Update coming?

I am a habitual multi-tasker. Though some would argue that the concept is really multi-threading. I agree. Eating and shitting simultaneously doesn’t count.

I can’t draw to save my life. So forget that whole artist thing.

I love emergent media. Emergent when?

I’m quick to form opinions and stick with them. No you aren’t.  You pick what everyone else picks.

I love horror movies, just not alone. Prefer to cuddle with strangers?

 I learned French while in high school and still speak it. Exactly how much French?

I used to wear glasses. I switched to contacts but had problems poking the darn things into my eyes. I didn’t think vision correction was optional.

When I write, the paper is usually turned at a 90 degree angle to me. Everyone does that.

I have never smoked anything in my life. It’s a habit that so many people are trying to quit, so why should I bother starting? Did anyone ask you to start?

I love to make others smile and laugh. Especially 5 minutes before you have sex and 10 minutes before you ask for their name.

I’ve always wanted to bungie jump or skydive. Preferably more than once. Could I get some scissors?

I love math. Once it clicks, it’s so awesome to see how it all works together. That’s touching.

I was always amazed at how glue would turn from white to black when you rubbed it between your fingers. This was when I was a kid, of course. If only your hands were glued together now.

In this episode, we discuss ways to be more environmentally friendly.

 

 The One About Being Green [11:33m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

In this episode, we discuss upcoming Apple products including suspected new MacBooks, iPhone nanos, and Tablet Macs.

 

 Enhanced Podcast [11:58m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Caitlin here.

To the young chap who left this gem on my windshield at the Plano IHOP:

First, I’d like to note that if the parking lot was empty (and it was) as you noted, why did you take the time to express your annoyance at my car being parked in two spaces?

Also, I think you should make use of your clearly limited education, and research proper use of the words your and you’re. They’re not the same thing- I think there is a Friends episode in which Ross clearly defines which word is appropriate in any given case.

I’d like to point out that you must not have a very clear understanding of your own vocabulary because it would be almost impossible for me to be a faggot and a douche bag. That would require me to be a gay man with a vagina. Hmm.

Finally, I know that keying my hot car sounds appealing, since your (notice proper usage) vehicle is probably so old that it doesn’t have keys but I have insurance that insures more than a fender bender that I caused, so a repair would cost me nothing.

Have a lovely evening.

PS- you never told me how big of a douche bag I am.

In this episode, we discuss our dieting and exercise routines.

 

 The One About Food [13:00m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

In this episode, we discuss how we met each other and how our relationship evolved to where it is now. We briefly describe our history at Apple and how we came to be “rejects.” Stay tuned to learn more about our fascinating lives!

 

 The One About Ourselves [12:16m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Caitlin here.

Part of our blog is going to include podcasting!  We’ve been looking at doing a podcast for about two years now and we even bought the equipment, but it was stolen the next day.  So we’re going to start doing it now, and it will be an audio supplement to our blog.  We’ll be discussing all sorts of things that go on in our lives and we’ll be posting once a week- feel free to hold us to that.  And, feel free to email us (info is on our about page) with topics you’d like us to discuss.  We’re pretty funny people, so I’m sure there will be many good things to hear in the coming weeks.  Now, I have to go work on script development.  Talk to you guys soon!

C

Jeff here. 

As stated before, Caitlin and I expect good service. I do understand the occasional bad day or big life event that may prevent someone from providing such service. But for the most part, we at least wish to be treated with respect. Tuesday night at Cheesecake Factory was probably where we encountered the worst attitude in a long time. I sent the following email:

I have been a fan of Cheescake Factory’s food and hospitality for a long time. I dine at the Stonebriar location at least once every week whether it be for brunch. lunch, or dinner. I have come to know many of the employees there and they are all very nice. I especially have nothing but good things to say about the hosts.

Unfortunately, while dining at the Stonebriar location on Tuesday the 22nd, I received some of the worst service I have had in a long time. I had a good friend in town visiting for the week and wanted to introduce her to my favorite restaurant in Dallas. To my disappointment, we received service from a waiter that had a bad attitude and a judgmental demeanor. There were a total of 3 people at our table, all of the age of 20. I have worked in a restaurant for a few years and I do understand that “teenagers” can be a pain to wait on, however, we are adults and dress/act as such. The greeting our waiter gave us was muttered and his voice carried no enthusiasm. He also failed to share his name with us. As the meal went on, his attentiveness declined along with our patients. Our bill came to $57.05 and we had every intention of tipping an appropriate 20% had the service been acceptable.  We waited at least another 10 minutes after the check had been dropped for him to come by and pick it up.

I don’t typically write emails about poor service, but after having such a terrible experience, I couldn’t help but feel obligated to do so. I have every intention on returning back to the Stonebriar location, however, I hope to never encounter such a rude attitude again.

For your reference, we were seated at table 213 with a check number of 0441a with Chad E. as our server.